


Alone, Together

by LovinMcStranded



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Father Figures, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27853298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovinMcStranded/pseuds/LovinMcStranded
Summary: Jyn is drifting.  It started with the events of Rogue One, continued with the team's involvement with the Rebellion, and has reached its peak in the small moments between being there for her friends and sacrificing for their cause.  She struggles in rediscovering herself after a great tragedy.She doesn't seem to be alone, though.  Bodhi is drifting, too.She and Bodhi had been left alone in the galaxy, so they might as well be alone, together.
Relationships: Chirrut Îmwe/Baze Malbus, Jyn Erso/Bodhi Rook
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I finally did it. Quarantine has gotten to me and I have cracked in the best possible way: an evolution from reading fanfic to writing fanfic. I literally have no clue what I am doing in terms of posting and tagging, and I'm no Star Wars expert, but this idea has been bouncing around in my head for years. A definite two-shot (when I figure out the proper protocol to even upload in that way...), with about a million other ideas if my brain can settle down long enough to put them in an order and rearrange them into the rest of a plot. Hope you enjoy!

“What triggered it?” Jyn asked Chirrut and Baze as they stood in the doorway, watching Bodhi sit cross-legged in front of one of the large port windows. He was oblivious to his surroundings, staring intently at the stars and mumbling to himself as he rocked slightly. 

“Do you really have to ask?” Baze shook his head. “Did you bring his goggles?”

Jyn dug through her bag and slowly pulled them out as proof. She noticed some dirt on them and wiped at them with her fingers. Or at least, that looked like the excuse she had to not hold eye contact with the two older and wiser warriors. 

Chirrut stilled her hands with his own once she started in on the grime with the edge of her shirt. “Talk to him. When his emotions overwhelm him, when the sadness is too much, he can’t handle it and well…” he trailed off and allowed her to fill in the rest. _Well, Cassian’s death was too much for him to handle. Well, Bor Gullet stripped him of his coping mechanisms when it scrambled his brain. Well, his brain defaults to studying the Empire’s shipping routes when he gets overloaded._

_Well, you’re the only one that gets through to him._

With a weak smile on Chirrut’s face and a promise of the Force being with her, she took a deep breath and began to settle in. The hallway on the ship was colder than the crew quarters, so she unpacked two blankets and readjusted her own jacket. The two older warriors began slinking back to the control panels.

“Want us to seal you in?” Baze asked sadly. She knew that meant safety for the rest of the crew should the thick window not hold, which was protocol. She also knew it meant sealing them off until morning when the crew would be up to check on them.

“I brought some ration packs. We should make it until morning.” Jyn nodded her agreement. 

“Good luck, little sister,” he added before closing the large, reinforced door.

Alone and in a potentially dangerous situation always brought out the will to fight in Jyn. She just recently started directing her fight towards fighting for those she felt were important to her. Bodhi had become the most important of them all. It wasn’t because she felt any less love for Baze or Chirrut, but she knew they looked out for each other.

She and Bodhi had been left alone in the galaxy, so they might as well be alone, together.

She fished around for two thermoses in her bag before setting it down next to the ration packs near the door. With a blanket on each arm and a thermos in each hand, she took a deep breath and slowly approached the seated pilot.

His murmuring continued as she got closer. “Bodhi,” she gently tried to snap him out of whatever trance he had gotten himself into. He paused for a second, something in him acknowledging her voice, before he continued reciting the routes.

She sighed a little, setting one thermos in front of each of them and getting to work. She made sure not to get in the way of his view of the stars as she wrapped a blanket around his shoulders. She tucked it around him securely so that it would be hard to slide off. She felt his hands. They were relaxed, which was a good sign. He had gotten through the hand clenching phase of his brain working through his sadness. But they were ice-cold, which meant he had been here a while.

Goggles or thermos? Goggles or thermos? She opted for the thermos to warm his hands. Once they were a little warmer, she would switch them out. His goggles always helped him work his way back to her through the maze of his mind. One of the Rebellion doctors had explained that having something familiar helped ground him.

With Bodhi properly set to begin warming up, Jyn saw to her own warmth, knowing she was losing body heat quickly. She couldn’t huddle next to Bodhi yet. She knew from experience that he would take it as a threat. So, Jyn opted for wrapping herself up with her own blanket and clutching her thermos next to him. She glanced his way. His eyes darted from star system to star system as he mumbled information about landing codes, fuel consumption, and some other pilot jargon she hadn’t placed yet. She unscrewed her thermos lid and felt the steam rise from her tea. She had caffeine from the warm substance to last for as long as she was needed tonight. Well, hopefully.

“Bodhi?” She tried again. While his eyes didn’t stray from the window, his face shifted slightly towards her. He was acknowledging her through the mumbling. It was a good sign. “Can you tell me about the route to Tatooine?”

His mumbling continued, but his eyebrows furrowed. He was searching for the information. The rocking stilled and his eyes widened when he located the specs for the Tatooine cargo route in his brain. “Tatooine. Down to one quarter tank when flying. Necessary refuel. Only land in Hutt controlled ports.” He blinked a couple of times, like he was searching for more. His hands clutched the thermos tighter. “I can’t remember the rest. Please don’t be mad!” He braced himself for a reprimand. The reaction was probably from his training days with the Empire.

“Of course not, Bodhi,” she supplied. “That was very good,” she added in a soothing voice. She sipped tentatively on her tea as she moved the subjects along. He skimmed over each planet with their specs, rambling with all of the information he knew. She gazed at the stars and tried to ask about the routes, planets, and ships that had pleasant memories attached. Steering clear of the sore subjects like beaches took enough mental effort on her end- to not have to focus on her own feelings about today. Maybe that’s why she had started volunteering to take care of Bodhi in the first place. In the past, she avoided all emotion. Now, she could care about others and still not have to examine herself.

After some time, Jyn felt braver to start drawing him out of whatever protective maze his mind had created. “How about the route to Coruscant?” She inquired. He launched into the specifics without hesitation. “Stop over there for refueling. We control it. Take supplies out to the troops and to the officers…” He trailed off and closed his eyes. “Hot chocolate. We took them these packets that said ‘hot chocolate’ on them. And one fell from a shipment…” Jyn leaned over and unscrewed his thermos lid. She gently pushed his hands and the container closer to his nose.

“It smelled like this…” he trailed off. He still hadn’t opened his eyes.

“It probably tasted similar to this, too,” she tried gently. She sipped on her tea. It was more than halfway gone.

Bodhi opened his eyes and peered down at his hands. He looked confused, like he didn’t know how the hot chocolate had gotten there. He sniffed it a little before taking a little sip. It was still very hot by the expression on Bodhi’s face. Jyn probably should have unscrewed the lid a while ago to let it cool a little bit before miming for him to sip it. She stored that tip away for next time.

“One fell from the shipment…” he closed his eyes again. “And I drank it. On the cargo ship.”

“Did you like it?” Jyn kept him on topics relevant to the moment. If he felt the need to retreat back into the maze, he would start rocking again. He would begin reciting the route information. She hoped that he stayed with her here, but knew that the previous couple of episodes took a couple of tries.

“It was…” he searched for the right words. “Too sweet. Not bad, but sweeter than anything else before. Everything on Jedha was spiced…”

He brought up Jedha, which was usually a sore subject for him in this state of mind. Jyn carefully maneuvered his thermos into one of his hands and placed his goggles gently in the other. He smirked slightly when he realized what was in his hands. He let out a breath she didn’t realize he was holding upon recognizing the object.

“Goggles. Standard issue. Given to each pilot for their first mission.” He opened his eyes to look at them and flipped them over a couple of times. “I earned these…” he said slowly.

“Yes, you did,” she began. “They don’t belong in your hands though, do they?”

He looked at her finally. He reached out and handed her the thermos so he could use both hands to put them on his forehead. He blinked a couple of times. 

“That’s better,” he sighed and looked back at her. She gave him the thermos back. “Thank you,” he furrowed his brow as he dropped his eyes to stare at his thermos.

“Well…” She trailed off, looking into her own thermos. _Well, I remembered your story. Well, I thought you might like it. Well, I just wanted to make you feel better. Why can’t the pain just go away?_ She shook her head slightly to clear it. “Hot chocolate worked last time,” she settled on.

“No, I mean…” His shifting made her look at him again. He was wrapping the blanket closer around himself, finally starting to realize how cold he was. “Thank you, Jyn.” He brought the thermos to his lips again. “For all of this. Every time…” He trailed off and made meaningful eye contact. “But, especially today.”

Now it was her turn to try to block the world out. She looked away, back towards the stars out the window. “Let’s not talk about today, okay?”

“Okay,” Bodhi hesitantly agreed. He tried again to pull the blankets closer to his body. “How long have I been out here?” he tried instead.

“I’m not sure exactly,” she answered still frowning.

“Usually you know,” he said without malice. She rubbed a hand on the back of her neck and huffed in frustration.

“Well usually isn’t today,” she said with a bit of an edge. “And we aren’t talking about today.”

Bodhi’s eyes went a little wide, looking like he was about to start rocking again. Jyn cursed at her inability to play the part of caregiver. She was so good at playing so many other roles over the years. She was getting so good at playing this one. Her damn emotions got in the way again, so she locked them up tighter.

“Baze and Chirrut didn’t get me right away,” she sighed, keeping eye contact this time. “They usually get me right away…”

Bodhi nodded a little. “But not today…”

“No, Bodhi,” she supplied as she sipped the last of her tea. “Not today.”

He seemed to process this information more quickly than a few minutes earlier. She could see that he was recovering. She mentally checked her sadness and anger again. He was recovering but another frustrated comment might push him back into the mental maze.

“You locked the door to your quarters this morning,” he realized, looking back down at his thermos.

“I did,” she replied. She woke up to this dreadful day not knowing how to cope. She had locked herself in her closet and cried. Ever since her mother died and she crawled down that small hatch with nothing but a small lantern that she had to ration, she liked the darkness when she was vulnerable. She could almost convince herself that breaking down where no one could see her didn’t count. 

“I knocked on your door…” he trailed off.

“Yes, you did,” she confirmed. Pounded on the door was more like it. Shrieked her name when she wouldn’t respond. She retreated to the furthest point away from the door when she could still hear him from her closet. It was in the bathroom, where she stepped in the refresher and let the noise of the water drown the world out. She turned into a prune and let her mind go blank before finally stepping out. As she put on her clothing and got back into bed, she slowly realized she couldn’t hear Bodhi anymore. By then, she had resigned herself to a useless, depressed day. She must have fallen asleep, because the next thing she knew, Baze was breaking into her room scolding her about how long he and Chirrut had been trying to bring Bodhi back.

“Because the sleep aids were missing,” he looked up at her.

“What?” She furrowed her brows this time.

“The sleep aids,” Bodhi remembered. “I figured going about today like it were any other day would help me avoid… Well all of this,” he shrugged. “So on the list was to check medical supplies before we dock tomorrow. And we were missing a number of sleeping pills.”

“People probably needed extra to deal with their dreams last night,” she quickly countered. “Or to sleep through today.” 

“There were too many missing, and you wouldn’t open your door,” Bodhi supplied, remembering what brought him back to the maze.

Bodhi started looking panicky again. Jyn decided it was no time for explanations, but time for reassurances. She set her empty thermos down and scooted around in her blanket so that she was in front of him. 

“Bodhi,” she said grabbing his hand. “I would never do that to you.” She gave his hand a squeeze

Bodhi didn’t return her squeeze, staring at his crossed legs. “Cassian said the same thing.”

“I know he did,” she gritted out. Honestly, she was still angry, sad, and frustrated with the whole situation. No time for that, though. “But I’m not Cassian.” Jyn bent down to get a better glimpse of his downcast eyes. “Okay?” she squeezed again. “I’m not him.”

Bodhi closed his eyes but held onto her hand. She thought she had lost him again. Damnit, she was so close to getting him back. She rubbed her eyes when she remembered she had no more caffeine for the night. She was ready for her fingers to go numb while she sat there through another episode. What she didn’t expect was the squeeze she received back. She looked up to see Bodhi sitting up with tears down his face.

“Why do you stay, Jyn?” he whispered.

“Well…” she began. _Well, where else would I go, really? Well, you need me for times like this, and selfishly, it’s nice to be needed. Well, I’d miss you._ “I guess when you find the people that do stick around, after a lifetime of no one sticking around, you find yourself wanting to stick around for them too,” she settled on.

Bodhi smiled a small, teary smile. He squeezed her hand again. Cassian had caused this man so much grief and pain. He caused her pain too, but she kept her emotions clamped down to deal with some other time. She was so angry she could…

Kill him. 

Except he was already dead. A year ago today. By his own hand.

She focused on Bodhi’s smile instead of the grief and the anger eating away at her. He had such a nice smile. It could brighten an entire room. She wondered if it looked more like his mother’s or his father’s. Was he a happy child growing up on Jedha? Did he get into trouble with all of his little friends running around the bazaar? Gosh, his laugh was even more infectious. Someone should make him laugh more often. He deserves to laugh more often.

“Jyn?” She heard Bodhi again and felt a squeeze on her hand. “Are you okay?”

She shook her head to clear her thoughts. “Bodhi, rules are we aren’t talking about today.”

“Okay,” he nodded slowly. He bit his lip, to keep from saying whatever it was he wanted to say. She appreciated his indecision for once in her life. 

“Let’s go to bed, yeah?” she attempted in an effort to avoid talking about today. Or it still being today. Just today in general.

“If you want to,” Bodhi replied. Jyn nodded before grabbing the bag she brought with and settling it on one side of the small room as a pillow. They both leaned back on it, Bodhi draining his thermos and wiping his face off as she laid back. She tried to settle as best as she could on a hard, cold floor. The blankets helped, but she knew from experience that laying both on top of each other and sharing body heat was the best way to stay warm. She reluctantly unwrapped it when Bodhi laid down next to her, and he spread his out on top. 

And then the game they always played began. 

Jyn stayed on her side of the blankets. Bodhi stayed on his side of the blankets. After a couple minutes of teeth chattering, they would roll slightly closer, and repeat this seemingly reluctant charade until their shoulders were touching, and the length of their arms were next to each other. Eventually, Jyn would sigh audibly, and Bodhi would move his arm up and around her shoulders, pulling her in to lay against his side. He would always say this was repayment for bringing him out of the maze. She would always acknowledge the survival instinct to stay warm. They would tuck the edges of the blanket underneath them, so that the cold metal floor wouldn’t drain them of warmth as they slept. And finally, they would drift off to sleep in a cocoon.

They were at that point much quicker tonight. Jyn had slept most of the day away, but she was still tired. This stupid, stupid day exhausted her more than most.

“Can you promise me something?” Bodhi asked out of the blue. He sounded more awake than her.

“I can try,” she hummed half asleep.

“Promise me you’ll talk to someone about today. Even if it’s not me.”

She hesitated for a minute. She could lie so as to comfort him, or tell the truth and risk upsetting him.

“Well…” she began. _Well, I’d get so sad I’d hide in a closet if I thought about it more than necessary. Well, you ask too much of me, so I’m going to have to leave now. Well, when I do try to think about him, I also mourn my family, my other friends, the life I could have had, and it overwhelms me, and sometimes I’m tempted to actually take the stockpile of sleeping pills in my room and just…_ “I can try with that too,” she settled on.

That answer seemed to satisfy him for now. “Sleep well, Jyn.”

“Good night, Bodhi,” she replied. And with that, they shared a restless sleep until morning.


	2. Chapter 2

Jyn entered her quarters and quickly shut the door. She leaned against it for a moment, relishing being alone. She was a bit sore after spending the night on the floor by the window, but that could be fixed by a proper night’s sleep in one of the base’s bunk rooms. She would just need to pack up her stuff first.

She had been through this process so many times. Assigned to a ship. Assigned to quarters. Unpack for a week. Repack in a week. Get back to base. Get a new bunk. Perhaps she should put in for more long-term assignments. 

Well, only if the others also wanted long term assignments.

Jyn began packing her toiletries and clothing again. It was a mindless task, and usually she would chat with Baze, or Chirrut, or Bodhi while she did it. When she became so dependent on those boys, she couldn’t say.

Or, maybe she could. A year ago, yesterday.

Jyn paused in her packing and slunk over to the wardrobe. Inside, pushed almost all the way to the back, was Cassian’s blue parka. He didn’t need it anymore, she mused darkly. In her stronger moments, she wore the jacket because it was warm, practical, and she needed a cold-weather jacket whenever the crew found themselves back on Hoth. And in her weaker moments, she could admit that putting it on, closing her eyes, and shoving her nose into the fur lining made her feel closer to him. It still smelled like him.

Her hand trailed down the fur around the hood. She had never had a need for a cold-weather jacket on all of the planets she went to before meeting Cassian. Maybe it was one of the many signs recently that signaled to her that she didn’t belong with the rebels. 

It had been fine when it was the five of them. Cassian, Jyn, Chirrut, Baze, and Bodhi. They had mourned K-2 together, Cassian more than the others. She and Bodhi would take turns helping Cassian with physical therapy for his leg. They each had new duties with the rebellion: she worked in intelligence and he split his time between intelligence and pilot duties. The information Bodhi did have was invaluable, down to the details about how the empire recruited their workers. Fear and threats can only make people so loyal, which was a weakness they could now exploit. 

That meant banking on the fact that people were inherently good and could be empathetic, sympathetic even. And Jyn was pretty sure that there weren’t too many good people left in this galaxy.

_Well,_ she mused. _It had worked on Bodhi._

Jyn dropped her hand from the fur of the coat and moved towards her bed side drawer. She opened it and looked at the pile of pills in the back corner. It was her fault Bodhi regressed yesterday. It was all her fault…

She startled when she heard someone clear their throat. The only person who could move that quietly was Chirrut.

“What is the force telling you?” she found herself murmuring.

“The force doesn’t speak,” he responded, coming further into her room. 

“But when we first met, you said it moved differently around someone who…” she stopped when Chirrut reached her and put his hands on her shoulders.

“It is moving as it always has,” he reassured her. “You have always sailed tumultuous skies. You always found your feet back safely on land eventually. It is no different now.”

“How do you do it?” she looked at him finally. “How do you tap into what everyone else is feeling, and not just…” She tried to find the right way to phrase her question. “How do others not overwhelm you?”

He smiled a small smile. “You practice being friends with as many people as possible,” he supplied.

“That doesn’t seem like the simplest way,” she sniffled. “Especially when friends leave.” When had she started crying?

“Oh, my girl,” he wiped a tear from her cheek. “It is the harder path, but the only one worth traveling. You know this, deep down.”

She took a deep breath and nodded her head. “There are some people in this world, though, that cause so much pain. Intentional, bad people. Unintentional, sad people. It doesn't matter. How do you know for sure the ones that are worth it?”

“You don’t know. You can only stick by the ones that want to travel with you. The good ones will make themselves known. And the confused ones,” he corrected her words. “They are the ones you have to let go on a different path.”

He brought her in for a hug, which she reveled in. She sniffled a bit, but composed herself for the most part. She still only broke down completely when she was in the dark by herself.

“His confusion brought so much pain,” she whispered as she tightened her grip around Chirrut.

He sighed and pushed back so that Jyn could see the sincerity on his face. “There was nothing that could be done, Jyn.”

“That still doesn’t make it right,” she replied. Chirrut let out a breath and squeezed her shoulder. 

“Just remember that we understand your pain. And just as I am there for Baze, and he is there for me…” he trailed off as he reached around her to grab her stash of pills. “And just as you are always there for Bodhi, and Baze and I act as your backup for him…” He placed the pills in her hand and guided her to the toilet. “We will all always be there for you too Jyn. We are not like Cassian.”

She looked up to Chirrut, who nodded towards the toilet. Jyn dropped them with a quiet _plop_ and reached to flush them. 

“You could talk to him you know,” Chirrut leaned in to whisper.

“It might break him,” she responded quietly. “It’s better this way. Cassian couldn’t handle it-“

“Cassian did not commit suicide because of your problems-“

“No, it was the paralysis,” she sighed. This was the first time she even hinted at talking about his suicide. She had to keep a tight hold on her emotions before they came flooding out. And they could only flood out in the dark when she was alone. “He went back to work before he was fully healed. He took risks that with his leg that he couldn’t afford to take, and it paralyzed him.” She raked her hand through her hair and looked back to the toilet. All the pills were gone.

“And then well…” _He couldn’t handle being completely helpless and dependent on others. He couldn’t handle no longer being part of the rebellion and doing what the able bodied men could do. I wasn’t enough to keep him here,_ she thought. “He wasn’t confused anymore,” she settled on.

Chirrut sighed. His face betrayed a hint of impatience. “You underestimate Bodhi.”

“I can’t risk him for me,” she resolutely responded.

“And he doesn’t see you as a risk,” Chirrut countered. “Unless you continue to keep him at arm’s length. He’s only confused when it comes to you, Jyn. This last episode centered on the stress of not being able to protect you. From you thinking he couldn’t handle it.”

Jyn frowned. She had to protect him, not the other way around. Bodhi was a good one. And she was, well…

Not good. But not bad. Not exactly sad. She hoped that didn’t make her confused, too.

“Jyn? Hello?” she heard a voice from her doorway. “I come bearing caffeine.” 

Chirrut nodded to signal they would talk later. “We are packing in the restroom,” Chirrut yelled back.

Jyn stepped around Chirrut to the small cabinets by the refresher as he made his way to exit. “Perfect timing, Bodhi. I think she needs that bag,” he gestured pointing to the bag on the bed. “And I need to go pack myself,” he continued.

“Sounds good. We will see you for dinner in the mess,” Bodhi replied as he walked past him and grabbed the bag. “And don’t forget your jackets,” he yelled after Chirrut’s retreating form.

“They aren’t going to forget their jackets,” Jyn let out a small laugh as she tried to collect herself again. “I can already feel the cold seeping in.” Bodhi threw her the bag from the other room.

“Doesn’t hurt to remind them,” he nodded to her. “Oh, here. Tea for you,” He began as he set the tea by the sink. “And let me get your jacket if you’re cold.”

“Oh, you don’t have to-“ she yelled after him as he ducked through the doorway, but she heard the cabinet open anyway. She braced herself as Bodhi peaked back into the restroom. 

“You kept his jacket,” he stated, looking for her reaction.

She shrugged, and huffed a little bit. “It’s just a jacket,” she lied. “Standard issue. They repurpose them anyway, and I didn’t have one.”

Bodhi narrowed his eyes. “Jyn, they could have repurposed it to someone else. It didn’t have to be your jacket.”

He called her on her bluff. He usually didn’t do that. 

She felt one of her arms come up to hug around her own middle. She remembered her promise to him yesterday, to try to talk, and Chirrut today, saying she could rely on Bodhi. It seemed like the Force was giving her an opportunity. “Yeah it did.” she swallowed thickly. 

Bodhi nodded slowly, eyeing her for any signs that she wanted to keep talking. She watched his eyes dart across her, before settling on the empty bag in her hands. He stepped into the room and put a hand on her shoulder. “Come on,” he nodded toward the bag. “I’ll help you pack.”

A squeeze on her shoulder brought her eyes up to meet his. He looked like he wanted to say more, but couldn’t decide. She was, again, thankful for his indecision. When she nodded slightly, he took it as a sign that he had said the right thing, and moved towards the cabinet with her toiletries to start packing. She wiped at her eyes briefly before feeling like there was one more thing that needed to be said.

“Bodhi,” she interrupted, squeezing her eyes shut to get the last of the tears out. Bodhi looked up at her as she used her sleeve one last time on her face. “Thank you.”

“Well,” he mused as the edge of his mouth twitched up. He reached over to where he had set Jyn’s cup, and placed it in her hands. “Tea worked last time.”

She let out a quiet, breathy laugh, and actually enjoyed her tea.


End file.
